A Woman in Your Own Right Read online

  Next comes Dulcie, more of a doormat, who represents the passive stereotype. She makes an ideal target for Agnes. While Agnes tends to opt in and take on all-comers, Dulcie tends to opt out and hide. She finds it difficult to make decisions and avoids taking responsibility for making choices in her life. Consequently others are often forced into making decisions for her which eventually makes them frustrated and resentful. Dulcie prefers to see herself as a victim of unfairness and injustice, always finding something or someone else to blame. As she clings on to her hard-luck stories and stagnates in her passivity and resignation, she infuriates people around her, particularly those in close contact. They will probably feel guilty at first because they cannot do more to help her, to make her happier or to solve her problems. But after a while, this turns to exasperation at her lack of willpower and her persistently negative outlook on life. She puts herself down continually, refuses to acknowledge any compliments and spends a lot of time starting her sentences with ‘If only . . . ’ She attributes to others the skills, talents, and good fortune that she was not lucky enough to be blessed with. Faced with any kind of confrontation, Dulcie cries and gives in or opts out completely.

  Third in line comes Ivy. Ivy is indirectly aggressive. Whereas Agnes hits out with her weapons leaving obvious scars, Ivy’s well-chosen barbs hit the mark but leave no obvious trace. As with her two companions, Ivy’s behaviour stems essentially from a low self-esteem; this is why she can never risk a direct approach. She does not trust herself or anyone else. She is skilled at deceiving others; she needs to be in control and to manipulate those around her to avoid rejection and hurt. She may appear to think highly of others but they can often detect an undercurrent of disapproval. People around Ivy are confused and frustrated at never being able to pin her down. Her attack is concealed, unlike that of Agnes, and she will often deny her feelings and wriggle away. Her main weapon is guilt. With a marksman’s precision she knows how to activate that little guilt button in those around her and she engineers people into all sorts of positions to get what she wants.

  Do any of these behaviour patterns strike you as familiar? And if you recognised yourself or someone else in the descriptions, what was your immediate response? You may perhaps feel a little smug if you recognised the faults and behaviour of someone you know, but the uncomfortable recognition of yourself may have made you wince a bit. If you find yourself being judgemental and hypercritical of yourself or others, try adopting a more compassionate and realistic viewpoint because, basically, what all three have in common is a lack of any real self-esteem.

  This is usually connected to our experience as children. Perhaps Agnes, for example, had to prove herself superior in order to earn approval and love. She feels no real self-confidence in just being herself so is very mistrustful of others. Maybe Dulcie was criticised so often as a child that she is now afraid to make a move or show her true feelings. The Ivy in us has learned that as a woman, she must use whatever subtle devices she can to get others to do what she wants. Direct, honest, straightforward behaviour has never exactly been encouraged in our society.

  We all behave in these ways at certain times so when reviewing aspects of your own behaviour which seem to you Agnes-like, Dulcie-like or Ivy-like, skip all excuses, justification or blame. Simply notice how you tend to behave. Try to observe the essential person beneath the behaviour. Notice how the Agnes interacts with the Dulcie in you and how easy it is to swing from aggression to passivity and back again.

  This seesaw is a common problem. Understandably, women find themselves frustrated and demeaned by a conventionally passive stance and so hurl themselves into the fray in an attempt to redress the balance of power. Unfortunately, they often tip the scales in the other direction. By domineering and insensitive behaviour, they end up alienating and punishing those who are close to them. Realising that this is not what they want either, and usually overwhelmed with guilt, they try to compensate by taking conciliatory steps in the opposite direction. For many women, this to-ing and fro-ing in a cloud of uncertainty represents a major source of tension and discomfort.

  It may come as a relief to know that there is an alternative: the assertive option. And, what is more, such skills can be learned, which is what this book has always been, and is still, about. One of the main reasons we make such a mess of things is that we simply do not have the skills. We need precise skills to use at those moments when we choose to discard the familiar for the unfamiliar, the dishonest for the honest, the role for the person. We need to know how to communicate our thoughts, feelings and needs neither aggressively nor passively, but assertively.

  And so to Selma, the assertive stereotype. Selma respects herself and the people she is dealing with. She is able to accept her own positive and negative qualities and, in so doing, is able to be more authentic in her acceptance of others. She does not need to put others down in order to feel comfortable in herself. She does not believe that others are responsible for what happens to her. She acknowledges that she is in charge of her actions, her choices and her life. She does not need to make others feel guilty for not recognising her needs. She can recognise her needs and ask openly and directly even though she risks refusal: if she is refused, she may feel rejected but not totally demolished by the rejection. The key is that Selma’s self-esteem is anchored deeply within herself: she is not over-dependent on the approval of those around her. From this position of strength, she is able to respond sincerely to others, giving herself credit for what she understands and feels.

  Many women will identify mainly with one of these four stereotypes, others with two, and still others with all four depending on the circumstances. It is interesting to see if you can identify a pattern in your own life. In what category would you put your mother or your father? Sometimes an aggressive mother will encourage a passive daughter, or a passive mother an aggressive daughter, or a predominantly indirect mother can end up teaching her own daughter that indirect aggression is the most effective strategy.

  To recognise is not to blame. No one is at fault: each of us has learned to cope in the best way we could, given the circumstances at the time. Once we can let ourselves off the hook of feeling bad or guilty about our behaviour, we can begin to see choices and make the changes we would like to see in our lives.

  It is also important to emphasise again that each of these characters plays a part in our behaviour. Sometimes we make the mistake of believing someone is an absolute Agnes or Dulcie: this is simplistic and unreflective of reality. Each of us can (and does) behave aggressively, passively and also assertively in different situations: a whole number of factors influence which will predominate at any given time. The point of this book is to show you how to achieve optimum communication more often than not. This entails looking at what gets in the way: how we can avoid some obstacles and face others more effectively and how we can draw on those occasions when we are already assertive to inform our thinking and behaviour when we have to deal with other encounters that we find more challenging.

  2

  What is an Assertive Woman?

  What does it mean to be assertive? This question has been put to me innumerable times. More specifically, what does it mean to be an assertive woman? Thirty years ago many people believed that assertiveness training was only relevant for shy, retiring violets who needed to learn to be more outspoken and less afraid of a good fight: in some ways, though things have changed, a similar confusion exists today.

  The popular stereotypes of what it means to be ‘an assertive woman’ remain pretty much the same: the career woman who discards her softer qualities as she climbs the professional ladder (assertiveness becomes synonymous with being unfeminine and hard-nosed); the domineering wife who nags her husband and children into submission (here assertiveness is confused with being overbearing and a bully); the woman who always gets what she wants by using any means available to her (this time, assertive is taken to mean ruthless and self-centred) or the ardent feminist who loudly
confronts a sexist gesture or remark (in this context, assertive implies hostility and aggression towards men especially).

  No wonder many women conclude they’re quite assertive enough already. The above behaviour descriptions, though, relate not to assertive but to aggressive behaviour. This misrepresentation persists despite the noticeable changes in women’s role in our society. Certainly there are more women in positions of authority than before but this only means that the stereotypical behaviour of many ‘successful’ women, including those who have reached the higher echelons of their career ladders, continues to add to the confusion between assertive and aggressive behaviour. Women may come across as direct, confident, ambitious and articulate but, unfortunately, this can often be a veneer which masks a determined and self-concerned ruthlessness.

  Even out of the workplace, the preoccupation with individual rights and entitlements has fuelled a determination not to be passive: the pendulum seems to have bypassed assertiveness and settled on the opposite pole of aggressive communication as a norm. This isn’t confined to women but women have been caught up in this general trend with the consequence that it has become harder to know how to speak up or to challenge particular behaviour when the only apparent alternative to keeping quiet is being bitchy. Not everyone feels comfortable with the idea of being unpleasant, uncaring or offensive. If women want to avoid aggressive behaviour, where do they look for a true idea of what it means to communicate assertively?

  Remember that the completely assertive woman does not exist, except on paper. However confident someone appears to be, you can be sure they have their off-days and have to face problems in some areas of their lives. We all have to. You may look at a high-powered career woman or celebrity whose life appears to contain all the enviable features of success and happiness and conclude the last thing she needs is to be more assertive: but maybe in her private life she suffers from one unsatisfactory sexual encounter after another because of her inability to refuse unwanted advances. A woman who has no qualms about telling off a junior or making a big scene until she gets what she wants may find it impossible at home to avoid being a slave to her family. A woman who is apparently in command and uninhibited in a social context may be easily demolished by criticism or quite unable to take the initiative to reach out to another person and show affection. A woman who is an exemplary organiser and always appears to be in charge may find it impossible to assert her own needs and to ask for help when she needs it herself.

  Whatever the external image we choose to present – highly confident or timid, very loud or very meek – we all have times when we feel relaxed and comfortable and very sure of ourselves: we also all have our areas of anxiety and difficulty, when we feel vulnerable and less able to say or do what we really want to say and do.

  There is no one assertive model which should be aimed for because it is more important to see how you can act more assertively in your own life. Below are examples which illustrate how some women felt encouraged to explore their own chosen area of difficulty and to discover a more effective means of communication.

  Soni, very proudly devoted to her new baby, was flustered by her well-meaning but over-enthusiastic mother-in-law. She felt overwhelmed by the endless advice on childcare: the best way to hold, the best time to feed, the right moment to stop breast feeding and so on. Soni would continually swallow her irritation because she didn’t want to risk provoking a family row. The assertive solution she found was to express her frustration in a way that allowed her to remain sensitive to the older woman’s feelings while asserting her need to make her own decisions about the care of her child.

  Hayley, an administrator, had been in her new job for a few weeks. She had been looking forward to a rare chance to have lunch with a close friend who was in town just for the day. Just before noon, her manager handed her some urgent work and asked her, as a favour, to work through the lunch hour. She was unhappy about this but didn’t want to keep quiet and say nothing. She decided to see if they could reach a workable compromise, which means being able to negotiate around a conflict of priorities. This is an important aspect of assertive behaviour: she explained to her manager that she had a really special lunchtime engagement which was important to her but asked if he would agree to her staying as late as necessary that evening to finish the work before she went home. Her compromise was accepted.

  Living in a large flat with six other students, Paula felt unhappy about the refusal of some of them to keep to a task-sharing rota which they had drawn up together and agreed upon. She had fallen into the habit of grudgingly doing more than her fair share of the household chores. Every now and then she would let out her resentment by way of moaning and sighing but nobody seemed to take the hint. The assertive option for Paula was to take the initiative and not continue to play the martyr. In this case, it meant calling a meeting of all the residents and confronting those concerned with a request for action from the whole group.

  Denise, a retired schoolteacher, had been looking forward to a drive down to the coast for the day to enjoy some solitude and peace. The evening before, her bossy elder sister had telephoned and invited herself along for the ride. Denise always felt very intimidated by her sister and usually gave in to her demands. This time she lied and pretended she’d changed her mind. Although this worked, Denise felt uncomfortable and realised she would have preferred to have made an assertive refusal, saying a clear, firm ‘no’ to her sister, stating clearly her preference for spending the day on her own. This helped her to do so in the future.

  Sometimes, women would find that being assertive meant that they no longer went ‘over the top’ when they were angry but that they could express very strong feelings without losing control.

  Jed was a friend of Tricia’s partner, Mark, and had asked to stay with the couple at their home for a few days because he and his wife had suddenly split up. That was two months ago and Tricia had become increasingly irritated by Jed’s presence, his mess and the general lack of space. She had a blazing row with Mark about it when they were out over the weekend but nothing had been resolved. After practising in the class, she was able to set time aside with Mark away from their flat and she expressed her frustration convincingly but without aggression, making a clear and specific request: that Mark ask Jed to find somewhere else to live within the next two weeks. This time Mark was able to hear her and agree.

  Assertive action can also mean choosing to take the initiative and make a request in advance rather than waiting for the inevitable to happen and then sulking about it afterwards.

  Caroline was faced with this kind of dilemma. By mid-afternoon on the day of her tenth wedding anniversary, she had heard nothing from her husband, Eddie: no call, no card, no flowers, no mention at all. Her feelings of rejection and disappointment were growing by the minute. She considered settling down to wait for his return home so she would be ready to give him the cold shoulder treatment and make sure he’d feel very guilty for having forgotten. She was pleased to report that for once she felt she had been very assertive: she had phoned Eddie at work and reminded him of the date. He had been a little taken aback and embarrassed at having forgotten but delighted when she asked what he would like to do to celebrate.

  Some women find that being assertive means feeling confident engaging with someone whom they normally would find intimidating. When we’re faced with someone who for one reason or another has more power or a higher status that we do, it can be difficult to assert our rights as an equal.

  Marion found this to be true for her. Her eleven-year-old daughter developed irregular but very bad headaches. Various local hospital tests indicated the need for a series of brain scans and she was advised to see a top neurosurgeon. She was normally a forceful and outspoken woman but was obviously anxious about her daughter. She wanted to know how best to care for her and what the likelihood was that it was a brain tumour. Her anxiety about the status and manner of the consultant made her feel quite helpless: when her questions were d
ismissed, she found herself unable to persist. What she learned to do was to keep calm and persist with her questions which depended on her maintaining her need for information alongside her anxiety. Although the consultant was the expert and had more specific knowledge than she did, Marion could still assert her right to be treated as an equal human being and could persist until he took her questions seriously and answered them.

  These are some of the meanings of being assertive. Sometimes people persist in believing that being assertive means you will get what you want all the time. This is not only unrealistic but also means that every interaction automatically becomes a question of winning or losing. This is competitive and aggressive which may be appropriate in other contexts but it is important to understand how these goals differ from an assertive approach. Choosing to behave assertively may mean not getting exactly what you want but having to negotiate a compromise instead.

  Sue found herself in the minority of four to one in an important meeting at work. Ideally she wanted them all to turn their mobiles off for the duration of the meeting because past experience had shown that with constant interruptions, it was virtually impossible to get anything decided in the time available. Her colleagues were sympathetic but felt unable to get through the meeting without access to their phones. She reinforced her request and offered to compromise by shortening the meeting by fifteen minutes. Three colleagues agreed: the fourth refused to budge. Sue didn’t get exactly what she wanted but with fewer interruptions, they got more done. What was important, though, was that she didn’t compromise her self-respect. She felt that her wishes had been heard and considered, not over-ruled. If each person concerned feels acknowledged, this is usually a sign that an interaction has been handled assertively, not aggressively.